If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
