I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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