Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
