you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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