I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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