we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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