just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
