Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
