do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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