i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
