dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
