Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
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