Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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