For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
