her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
