Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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