a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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