bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
