I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
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If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
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somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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