Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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