You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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