I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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