true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
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She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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