So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
my vag is so smooth its legendary
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
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He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
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This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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