i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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