i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
