took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
