I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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