I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
There's always time for handjobs
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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