Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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