Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
