White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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