I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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