oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
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Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
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"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize