Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
