Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
