my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
