so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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