if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
