theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
