So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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