I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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