I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
