last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
