Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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