Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
