If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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