Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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