he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
