didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
