tell your sister to shave her snatch
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
