i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
