my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
