Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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