So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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