dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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